she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
