Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
