thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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