have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize