someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
