Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
