She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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