Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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