I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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