Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
