I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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