I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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