you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
