I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
