her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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