tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
