I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
