Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize