There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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