If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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