i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
