I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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