so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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