are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
