Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
