Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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