So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
