I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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