when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
