Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize