i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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