I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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