I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
