are you still at the devil's house?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
