Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
