Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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