My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
