Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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