i need an iv and a liver transplant
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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