i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
