I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
