mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
