the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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