i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
