True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
