Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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