I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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