I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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