i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize