if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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