Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
