Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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