Don't make out with my wife yet
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i barfeds in our rink
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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