Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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