My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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