does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
