i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
