He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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