About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
